Choosing A Life Partner

Choosing a life partner is not an easy thing, because so much of the process feels unintentional and out of our control. I had the thought that my wife would be my wife when I first met her, but that thought left me as soon as I started contemplating its plausibility. The second time the thought that she would be my wife came along, I do not know how or why, but I felt I was ready. My pastors, mentors, family, and friends helped solidify my feelings.  Who you have around you at the time makes a huge difference. I was not sure if my wife was “the one” or my “soulmate,” however I was sure that my life needed her in it and that her life needed me in hers. Life is a journey that needs us to have companions for the voyage. We have to know who to partner with in order to accomplish our dreams, face life’s challenges, grow as people, and contribute to the world. 

I chose the term “life partner” because that is how I see my wife, and that is what I was looking for. I knew that I needed someone that was my equal, was talented, had a rich internal life as well as an external one, possessed an artistic sensibility, and had strong opinions. I could not shoulder the burden of vitality in our relationship. I needed someone who could be well when I wasn’t, someone who would be high when I was low. She had to be a partner! We still have our unique roles, ones that are determined by design and interests, but we definitely share responsibility for the success of our life journeys. We both did not believe in the stars aligning or in magical moments determining our union, but we did believe in the influence of the providential. We believed that we needed each other, and not just for a moment, but for an entire lifetime.

So, what was my mental process for choosing a life partner? She had to be (and I use “had to be” intentionally here because these were non-negotiables) attractive, intelligent, have values that matched mine, come from a good family, know her opinion on matters, have compassion, and honesty. She had to understand that the way that she treated people was her ministry. She had to know that love can conquer all. I was not looking for perfection, because none of us can be perfect. I was looking for authenticity and intimacy! I was looking for someone who believed in miracles, but not in fairytales. Someone who was rich without having any money, believed in unattainable dreams, felt music on a deeper level, cried when they watched a movie, and had a thirst for adventure. 

I did not consider her race, or social standing. I thought of where she came from and how she viewed people. I could not be with someone that looked down on people or thought she was better than people. I needed someone who could have healthy boundaries, not allowing people to have power that they should not possess over her life. She had to become my best friend and know that her family is now me and our children. Our relationship, as a married couple, needs to be the most important relationship to both of us. The families that we come from now form part of our extended family, with our parents being the most important members of that family. She could not be so attached to her parents that she needed to pass every decision by them. She needed to be confident enough in her opinion on a matter to voice it and hold her own in a conversation with me, without needing backup. She would not need real-time assistance from her parents or siblings because if she spent enough time with them when growing up, she would have received the appropriate influence from them, already.

Many guys have asked me how to know the right person to marry. I think the process is simple, if you understand that the success of the marriage is not wholly dependent on you. She has a great role to play. You cannot do the tango on your own, likewise being married is a dance. It can be a beautiful dance, a clumsy dance, or in unfortunate cases, an ugly one. It can turn ugly if it's not a couple’s dance, but a group dance. You cannot be holding on to your mother or sisters while expecting to be dancing with your wife. Your wife should become the most important woman in your life. Then your daughter should be next, then your mom, and then your sister. Friends that are girls should not feature anymore! You already have enough feminine influence in your life and as a man, you need all the masculine influence you can get. So much of life nowadays requires the perfect balance of masculine and feminine energy. I know for me personally, as an artistic person, I need to embrace a little femininity in order to tap into my creativity. My wife helps me in my creative endeavors, she makes it so that I do not have to imagine what a woman thinks, I can just ask her. 

We can talk for many days about how to make relationship decisions, and I will be writing about specific matters in the near future, but I can make a few statements to conclude. Do not date someone in order to find out if you are going to marry them before getting to know them. Study them in their natural environment first, because once you have made your intentions known, both of you begin to put on an act from then on. So do not make your intentions known, just study the other person, but don’t be a creep. Notice how they treat people around them. If you’re fortunate enough to know their family, even better. See how she treats her parents, especially her father and brothers. You want to know how she interacts with masculine energies. If she hates her father and her brothers, not always, but in most cases, that is a warning sign that she can eventually hate you. 

How does she deal with criticism? How does she handle setbacks? How does she interact with male friends, and is she willing to let them go when she starts dating you? Is she the same at home, at work, around her friends, or at church? Many guys make the mistake of thinking that they can mess around with “non-wife material” women then settle down once they are ready to have a wife. This is a big mistake! We have to be looking for “wife material” all the time, because it is getting harder and harder to find her in this “non-commitment” world. You have to work a little harder to find a woman that will see you as an equal while giving you the honor that you need as a man.